UNDERSTANDING CHILDREN’S FEELINGS

by Marion Badenoch Rose, Ph.D www.parentingwithpresence.net

Behaviours that indicate a need for emotional release
Behaviours seen as “normal” in a young child, such as biting, hitting, “incessant” talking, and “constant” movement, actually indicate that the child harbours unexpressed feelings. Her underlying discomfort can be observed in the following behaviours:
the child -
* sucks her thumb or dummy;
* frequently clutches a soft toy or special blanket;
* eats or drinks for comfort rather than hunger or thirst;
* has difficulty going to sleep even when she is tired;
* wakes up frequently at night;
* bites, hits or kicks other children, her parents, or pets;
* seems unable to sit still, is “hyperactive,” or has a short attention span;
* frequently falls over or bumps into things;
* seems “whiny”, or agitated;


* says “no” to the majority of the parent’s requests;
* repeatedly does things she knows her parents do not enjoy;
* cries or flails her arms or legs when she is touched or gently cuddled;
* has a “tantrum” (which is emotional release in action).
How can we respond?
If you observe the above behaviours, you can contribute to your child’s wellbeing in the following ways:
* Come close and ask, “Are you feeling ..... because you are needing .....?” Continue in this way and your child’s needs for empathy will be met.
* She may need more support to release an accumulation of feelings. Make eye contact and gently touch or hold her, and ask, “Do you want to have a cry?”
* Stronger feelings may require sensitive holding to provide emotional and physical safety. Ask, “Would you like me to hold you now?” It is important to hold your child only when you are feeling calm and when you generally provide sensitive attunement to your child’s needs. The younger the child, the more she needs to be held when she is upset


* If your child is about to hurt you or another child, then first hold her to prevent the action, and then continue aware holding to allow her to safely cry and rage. Explain to her, “I need safety for you and Jemima, so I’m going to hold you and help you let your feelings out.”
* If your child is having a tantrum, stay close, offer empathy, and make sure she doesn’t hurt herself or others. You might choose to hold her to provide extra containment whilst she continues raging.


* Feelings of fear can be released through laughter. Role plays about the feared situation can provide the balance of fear and safety to allow healing laughter to be expressed.
* Frustration about unmet needs for autonomy can be expressed through power reversal games, involving laughter and silliness. For example, the child runs after the parent, who mock screams, “Help, don’t chase me.”


After letting out her feelings, your child will appear relieved, calm, and present. If you are able to be with her most hurt feelings, your child’s needs for acceptance will be met, and intimacy and trust between the two of you will profoundly deepen.